Michelle Wolf kicked off her week as guest host of The Daily Show Monday with a torrential takedown of Diddy for settling a whopper of a lawsuit filed against him by recording artist/longtime girlfriend Cassie almost as quickly as he denied any wrongdoing. But the comedian was clearly just getting started.
On Tuesday, Wolf set her sights on Jesse Watters, who had quite the Thanksgiving weekend. One that allegedly included being bit by a dog, twice, including once in the giblets, as the Fox News anchor told viewers on Monday night. Watters—who Wolf describes as “the last face you see before blacking out at Sigma Kappa”—spent a good 20 minutes of his hour-long airtime recounting his holiday in painstakingly boring detail, and Wolf could seemingly not wrap her head around it.
“Every once in a while, I’ll check in with Fox News, just to see which race/pronoun/M&M I should be scared of now,” Wolf explained. But she was admittedly surprised to tune into Jesse Watters Primetime and discover that Watters didn’t seem interested in discussing any of the many major news stories that are happening right now. “All he was doing was meandering through the world’s most boring Thanksgiving. And, like, not for a little bit of time. He talked about it for, like, half his show.”
At the same time hostages were being released as a result of Israel and Hamas’ extended cease-fire, Watters’ featured chyrons included such need-to-know stories as “To-Do Lists Can Save the Day,” “Why Is the Grocery Store Checkout So Complicated,” and “Good Hydration Leads to Bathroom Emergencies.”
“What is this?!” Wolf demanded to know. “Look, it is not a slow news week, ok? And you are sitting here talking about an incredible amount of liquid that you just ingested and how you’re surprised it made you go to the bathroom!”
While Wolf assumed that all of this droning on and on was leading up to a point… it most certainly was not. Which she, and The Daily Show viewers, learned the hard way—as Wolf continued to check back in with Watters throughout the first 10 minutes of the show.
When she resumed poking fun at Watters—who she dubbed “Roofie Magazine’s Man of the Year”—he was complaining about a car wash closing early on Thanksgiving (and yes, he had a chyron for that, too: “Businesses Shouldn’t Lie About Their Hours”).
Then, five minutes into her own monologue, Wolf again checked in to see if “Evil David Schwimmer is done yet with the never-ending story.” The answer was: nope, not even close. Watters was instead complaining about dessert menus being “too complicated” and asking no one in particular what rice pudding is. Wolf’s response: “Why is he still going? Like, does the bus explode if he ends the story?”
Nine minutes into her own show, Wolf cut back to Watters—this time calling him “Madame Tussaud’s rough draft”—one last time, where he was more than 16 minutes into his own rant.
At this point, he was telling a story about encountering a wet dog on a walk through a nature preserve—one which promptly bit him in the groin.
“Well there you have it,” Wolf concluded. “The top prime-time news show on the top cable news network in America—over 16 minutes in—and we got to ‘wet dog.’”
Ultimately, however, she lauded the change in programming.
“This was 16 minutes that I wasn’t hearing about January 6th being a field trip, so, you know what Fox News? Keep it up, little buddy!”