A ‘heartbreaking’ new dating phenomenon combining two toxic relationship trend is stoking trust issues in people using online dating apps.
Ghostlighting, a combination of gaslighting and ghosting, has cropped up in the last few months on dating apps and for those in long-distance relationships.
Ghosting is when communication abruptly stops without explanation. This often leaves the person who was ghosted wondering if they did something wrong.
Meanwhile, gaslighting is a manipulative technique where someone misleads another person, creating a false narrative that makes the other person question their own judgment or sanity.
In ‘ghostlighting’, someone stops talking to the other person entirely and, once they return, tricks them into thinking that they did nothing wrong.
‘The person returns but doesn’t take ownership for the ghosting [and] gaslights the person and really creates a lot of insecurity and questions for the individual,’ Dr Carolyn Rubenstein, licensed psychologist in Florida, told DailyMail.com.
‘It’s a whole new level of manipulation, and it’s pretty awful and scary to see.’
Ghostlighting is a combination of ghosting and gaslighting. In ghostlighting, someone stops talking to the other person entirely and, once they return, tricks them into thinking that they did nothing wrong
She has been increasingly noticing this in the past three months, and these patients are typically in their 20s or 30s.
Some individuals meet ghostlighters on dating apps, while others notice it during long-distance relationships.
Dr Rubenstein said when someone is ghostlit, it stokes a sense of self-doubt and paranoia, as the perpetrator makes them think that something is wrong with them and that the issue is their fault.
‘They start to doubt themselves a lot, which can break confidence. They start to feel low confidence…really anxious in general because there’s a lot of uncertainty’
‘It’s really heartbreaking.’
Someone who’s being ghostlit is also more likely to develop trust issues, even when the relationship has had no issue thus far.
‘There becomes almost like a hypervigilance in relationships where you start looking for red flags when maybe you weren’t before,’ Dr Rubenstein said.
‘It becomes this very, very alarming landscape for relationships.’
It’s not entirely clear where ghostlighting came from and why there’s been a recent uptick, but the online dating landscape has made it easier to fall into that trap.
‘People are becoming very much liberated, if they maybe were more manipulative, to hide that part until the relationship for further and they got to know the person,’ Dr Rubenstein said.
‘Then you would see that ugly side.’
To figure out what might drive someone to ghostlighting, Dr Rubenstein focused on ghosting and gaslighting separately.
For ghosting, she said: ‘I see a lot of people who are really anxious do it because they don’t want to hurt someone, so they think the nicest way is to ghost.’
However, gaslighting is a different story.
‘The person that does do that is usually a manipulative person, not a nice person. You may see a bit of narcissism in them,’ she said.
‘You see it a lot with someone honestly who maybe had tried another relationship that didn’t work so this is like the backup and they’re not actually in it.’
‘They’re not really feeling emotions and are kind of only surface level with the person and aren’t going to take responsibility.’
If you think you’re being ghostlit, try talking to someone who’s neutral to the situation, such as a friend or a therapist. Verbalizing the experience could help put it into a different perspective.
‘You’re not just feeling it, but you’re logically able to examine it,’ Dr Rubenstein said.
‘Be protective of yourself. Be very, very protective of yourself. Don’t let someone break you down. You don’t deserve that; no one does.’
‘I think there’s just a basic level of respect that we all deserve.’
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