DR MAX PEMBERTON: Here are my tips for parents on raising a resilient child who can cope with modern life

Shocking news last week confirms what some psychiatrists already knew, having seen — with much unease — the number of young people arriving in our clinics climb sharply over the past few years.

A third of those aged 18-24 experienced symptoms of mental illness such as anxiety or depression in 2021-22, think tank The Resolution Foundation revealed in a study.

Young people were more likely to experience a mental disorder than any other age group — a ‘complete reversal’ to 20 years ago, when they were least likely.

Five per cent of young adults aren’t working due to sickness, with four in ten citing mental health as the main reason. And younger children, too, are refusing to go to school because of mental health difficulties. Astonishingly, more than a quarter of secondary school children are classed as persistently absent.

How have we created a generation so desperately ill-equipped to contend with the trials and tribulations of life?

Compared with older generations, they know few deprivations, yet are clearly struggling with the modern world.

It would be easy to point the finger of blame and deride them for being ‘snowflakes’. But it can’t be their fault entirely. Parents, after all, are the ones who have the greatest influence over their children, and I fear it is parents who have so mollycoddled this generation, they no longer know what ‘resilience’ even means.

These days, an entire cohort of so-called helicopter parents believe their principal job is to soothe away every little problem their offspring might encounter.

In this parenting philosophy, resilience is wrongly associated with bottling up feelings and a ‘stiff-upper-lip’ approach to life. 

In an era where all is seen through the prism of victimhood, trauma and mental illness, it is heresy to suggest that children should be taught to stand firm when things go wrong and work through their feelings without caving in to them.

Yet resilience is a fundamental life skill, and helping children build it is key to their mental health. The real world is sometimes brutish, unfair and harsh, and surviving it requires plenty of sheer grit.

Without it, we are allowing our youngsters to be at the whim of the unpredictable nature of life. Developing resilience is far better than wrapping a child in bubble wrap. 

It builds an inner strength and confidence they can rely on for the rest of their lives. What happens when the parental shield is no longer there? Without resilience, they crumble.

Here, then, is my advice on ways to build it, based on years of experience, and in the hope we can stem this awful epidemic of mental ill health in youngsters.

Let them fail. Too often we try to protect young people from making mistakes. We do things for them or offer advice or guidance when it wasn’t asked for. People learn from mistakes, and when they succeed, they know they’ve done it on their own.

Think about technology. Depending on their age, limit access to social media. If they are under 16, don’t bow to pressure to buy them a smartphone. A simple ‘brick phone’ is all they need to keep in contact with you in emergencies.

Social media is strongly associated with mental health problems and stops them connecting with the world around them. If they are older, encourage them to step away from social media if they are having a difficult time.

Encourage them to engage in sport. Competition, physical exercise and being in a team are incredibly important and helpful in building resilience. Too often children only do what they enjoy. But doing things you aren’t good at, are wary of or which require dedication, is important. And they may even grow to like it.

Remember you’re the adult. Your child is not your friend. Being strict, firm and having clear rules and routines helps your child and gives them a blueprint for discipline and how to manage time and pressure when older.

Build their competencies. Help them focus on key skills, such as speaking in front of others, making themselves a meal, or doing their washing. Helping a child become more independent also shows them they can do things on their own and are in control.

Focus on their talents. Building confidence isn’t about just blindly praising them. Helicopter parents tend to think this boosts confidence, but it can have the opposite effect, increasing stress and the pressure to please everyone. Instead, identify the things they are good at and encourage them to develop in these areas.

Goal setting. Encourage them to set a goal, whether it’s to read a selection of books, learn a skill, or get an exam grade playing an instrument, for example. The only rule is that it must require dedication and focus.

Encourage them to throw themselves into it. There will be setbacks, but when they get there, it will act as a blueprint for future goals. They’ve shown what they can do when they put their mind to it.

Encourage them to get a job, preferably public-facing. They’ll learn lots of key life skills, such as time-keeping, managing other people, conflict resolution and coping with boredom. Allow them to use some of the money they earn to reward themselves.

Help them find purpose. Explore their core values and things they think are important, and help them translate these into focused activity that gives them a sense of purpose. Encourage them to take up activities that connect them to society at large. Reflect on your family values and help them to draw strength from them.

Encourage them to give back. Helping someone or volunteering helps build purpose and teaches key skills. And nothing takes your mind off your own problems like solving someone else’s.

Broaden their horizons. Encourage them to explore thoughts and ideas that are different from their own. Books, films, newspapers with a broad range of opinions and perspectives can expose them to the real world where not everyone will agree with them.

Help them get perspective. Make sure you maintain open communication. Aim for non-judgmental and warm connections. Help them to identify and name their emotions and validate these feelings. Emphasise that they are in control of how they feel and help them find strategies for managing their feelings.

If you don’t have the answer, reassure them that you’ll find the answer together. Recall when they had difficulties in the past and how they coped and remind them that things did get better again. 

Emphasise that bad or difficult times will pass and to focus on the things they are able to change. Encourage them to break problems down into chunks and tackle things bit by bit.

Don’t over medicalise them. Resist the temptation to see every difficulty your  children have as evidence of mental illness.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be sympathetic. But in rushing to label young people, we remove any sense of control they might have in changing things for themselves.

Explain that life can be tough, that you understand how they are feeling, but you’re there with them and they’ll get through this. If there are serious concerns, of course, encourage them to speak to a professional.