For years every time I drank alcohol I blacked out and ’caused chaos’ – until the day it almost killed me. Here’s how I turned my life around

Amanda Goff’s drinking problem creeped up on her.

The former escort who is also known as Samantha X would down a bottle of champagne on a night out, black out, cause chaos and wake up the next day wanting to die. 

The 49-year-old told FEMAIL her bad relationship with alcohol went on for 10 years – but admits the ‘last three or four’ were ridiculous.

‘When I did drink I would cause absolute chaos. I would get blackout drunk every time and honestly I don’t know how I am still alive,’ she said.

She would wake up with strange bruises and a patchwork memory of the night before.

‘I would be aggressive and start fights – I was completely dead inside,’ she said.

She was consumed by toxic thoughts and would suffer through hangovers for days – each time promising it was the last.

Only to wind up in the same position a week later.

‘I didn’t wake up and have a drink. I was a binge drinker. Toward the end I would drink almost every weekend,’ she said. 

Amanda said her friends and family knew she had an alcohol problem before she did and were really worried for her.

She caught on and noticed other people she knew with similar party animal ways were dying, by suicide and because of some horrific accident.

‘I knew my life would end in tragedy if I kept drinking and it petrified me. I didn’t want to die and felt like I was losing control of my life,’ she said.

‘I also didn’t want to be the 60-year-old propping up the bar.’

Amanda, who was still working as Samantha X at the time, tried on and off for six months but couldn’t kick her party girl habit.

‘I was afraid I would never have a good social life or fun again. But that was an illusion. No one cares what is in your glass,’ she said.

‘So I kept going back to it.’ 

Then one day she woke up in a Melbourne hotel room – looked across at the window and ‘realised why they don’t open’.

‘I was hungover and felt the urge to jump,’ she said.

She said she was drinking to ‘deal with decisions’ she had made.

‘Alcohol is really hard to give up on with will power alone. it is the most addictive, dangerous and widely available drug in the world.’

She called her friend that day and she took her to a 12 step recovery meeting.

It has been five years and she hasn’t picked up alcohol since.

‘I didn’t want to die. In reality I could have committed suicide, been hit by a car or gone off with someone at any time,’ she said.

Amanda never had to go to rehab or hospital because of her alcohol habit but admits she probably would have ended up there if she hadn’t stuck to the program.

In recovery she learned to face the problems she had been trying to numb out with alcohol.

Once she had been clean for a few years her psychologist was also able to diagnose her with bipolar.

She explained people with bi-polar often turn to drugs and alcohol as a form of self medication because it stops them from feeling all of their feelings.

‘I couldn’t bear to be with myself. I couldn’t change my life and I didn’t know what was wrong with me,’ she said.

‘I was a mess and I feel really sad for the person I was.’

Amanda believes she is a better person inside and out since ditching booze.

‘I used to have a huge temper but haven’t raised my voice in years,’ she said proudly.

‘I make better choices now.’

Amanda says people ‘all have something’ they are addicted to.

‘Whether it is shopping, sex, exercise, drugs, alcohol, work it is always to mask whatever is going on in the inside.’ 

She is sharing her story now because it can be a difficult time of the year for people in recovery as there are plenty of parties and pressure to drink.

‘You are not alone, there is help out there,’ she said.

Her advice is to go to your GP and find a local recovery group.

She also recommends the book ‘This Naked Mind’ which changed her whole perception of alcohol.